Today I was inspired to change the name of this blog.  After all, my life isn’t that wacky, but it certainly is deaf.  I was rearranging my writing books when inspiration struck, which reminded me that I hadn’t written a new blog entry in much too long.

Once again I find myself at the end of the road with my hearing aids.  They’ve been adjusted and tweaked as much as they’re able to be and until (and unless) someone (Siemens? Please!) comes up with something even more powerful, more effective, and more helpful, I have to adjust again.  But these days adjusting isn’t as daunting as it used to be, especially since so many people text now rather than talk on cell phones.  Captioned theaters have allowed me to go to movies again.  (Liam Neeson, you’re my favorite action hero these days!)  In New York, I can go to captioned live theater, thanks to the Theater Accessibilty Program, and now and then, more things become accessible.

It’s not perfect by any means, it doesn’t always work out, and people don’t always cooperate, but overall, I have more options available to help me now than I ever did before.  An aside – Movie Theaters, would you PLEASE when you have that cutesy little cartoon on the screen telling us to turn off our cell phones, let people know that the device in my cup holder is a caption machine?  Then maybe the woman next to me at the last Toronto theater I went to, would have taken her crushed up used tissues out of the cup holder and let me put the machine in so I could view it from a comfortable angle.  Or maybe the woman in the row behind me at that same theater wouldn’t have hit me on the shoulder when the movie started and yelled, “Would you turn that thing off!”  (I promise you the device didn’t interfere with any other viewers in any way.)  Though it was worth it to see Darling Hubby give her a withering look and say “No”, beating my Dearest Son to it by only a second.  Funny, but those things never happen to me in New York, but New York, you are behind on the movie captions.  Speed it up, ok?

Getting back on topic, they talked to me about a cochlear implant again.  Some of you may wonder why I don’t already have one, especially since you’re supposed to seriously consider it when hearing aids aren’t helping much anymore.  I’ve thought about this plenty, believe me.  I’ve discussed it with my family doctor, some of my other doctors, and medically, it’s not the best option for me. And even if I wanted to go through it, there’s no guarantee it would work.  So it’s my informed choice to continue with what I have and challenge myself to face it, deal with it, and conquer it.

So maybe things are looking down in the respect that I’m pretty much out of frequencies and can’t get most of the benefits from hearing aids, but I choose to think they’re looking up because I can still do things, enjoy my life, and enjoy the company of those I love.  I’m grateful that they still enjoy my company and most of all,  I’m grateful to have so many loving, caring, amazing people in my life. I know I say that a lot, but I’m so lucky to have so many people to say it to, for, and about.  Deaf? Pfffft.

I’m trying to think of ways to begin this blog and oddly, all I can think of are words from songs.  Odd because most people don’t expect songs to be on the mind of a deaf person.  But not so odd at all, because I’ve learned that music can be a vital part of a deaf person’s life and though I’ve felt so accomplished in finding ways to trick myself into thinking I’m still hearing it, it’s not that big a deal.  I’ve seen what other people can do and I’m humbled by their achievements.  At the beginning of June, Darling Hubby and I saw a play in Manhattan called “Incredibly Deaf Musical.”  It was written by and starred Jay Alan Zimmerman, a composer who was born with normal hearing and suffered hearing loss as an adult.  The show was about his life and loss of hearing and how he found music again, and though, of course I’m not a composer, I’ve never seen anything that came so close to what I’ve been through.

Watching the show, I realized what life has been like for my husband and children, for they, too, have been living with my hearing loss over the years.  They’ve gone through it with me, all the way from mild loss to complete loss, yet somehow I never really realized how hard it must be for them.  I’ve been so busy struggling and trying to cope, I never saw the whole picture from the outside and never thought of it as “our” loss.  It was always “my” loss. I cried through this beautiful and heartwarming show and at the end when Jay Alan came out to meet and greet, I was too choked up to even speak to him.  So I did what I learned to do – I used sign language to thank him.  You don’t have to be deaf to enjoy this show, but if you know someone who is, you may end up with a whole new understanding of what they go through.  And if you’re deaf, you may end up with a new understanding of what your loved ones go through.

But life is not all about being deaf.  That’s probably the best sign of coping and adjusting – when you don’t think about being deaf all the time.  For instance, you hear the Beach Boys are touring again and Brian Wilson is peforming again after all these years, and without stopping to think you buy tickets. And go.  And still enjoy the show even though you can’t hear it because you’re there, it’s a beautiful night, you’re with the one you love most in the world, and you’re an incredibly lucky person.   The good outweighs the bad and isn’t that really what we all hope for?  More good than bad?

There has been sadness in my life this year, there has been loss, there have been challenges.  But life is not meant to be one smooth road from here to there.  It’s full of bumps, twists, and turns and in the end, it’s not what happens that tests who we are, it’s how we handle what happens. We can take the high road, we can take the low road, or we can take no road at all.  The view from the high road is pretty darn good and there are a lot of wonderful people to travel it with.  I’m grateful for those who travel the road with me, I’m grateful for all the good in my life, and I’m grateful for how I came to be me.   I can’t ask for much more than that.

Some friends and I were talking about progress the other day and one of them said she isn’t sure all this technology is a good thing.  She’s not a very tech savvy person because she doesn’t want to be. She thinks it might present more problems than it helps. It’s true when you think of all the problems that have come along with the progress, it can be intimidating.  But where would we be without it?  Cell phones attach to my hearing aids with bluetooth.

The hearing aids have computer chips in them that are more powerful than the old Pentium computers. We can do our banking online, manage our houses online, work at home via network, even find medical advice online.  And where else could we get such quick answers?  Even if libraries had the information, they’re not open 24/7.  There’s so much we can do that I can’t begin to list it all but if you’re reading this, you probably know anyway.

Do the downsides my friend pointed out negate all the good stuff? Is she right that “Internet (Facebook/Twitter) friends are not “real” friends?  I don’t think so. I think any facet of life has its risks, abusers, problems, and complications.  Good things happen and bad things happen no matter where we are or what we do.  Life happens and we have to live it, enjoy the good, use whatever tools we have available to help us muddle through, and not dwell on all the negative.

I’ve been facing a lot of challenges this year.  My cataract surgery had some uncommon complications and I lost a lot of my vision, which without working ears, is to say the least, difficult.  Without  the technology of laser surgery (which I just had last week) there wouldn’t be a chance to help me get some vision back.  Darling Hubby’s knee surgery?  Arthroscopic Surgery – again technology.

I don’t know how I’d have gotten through all the hard things that have happened the past year without technology, friends and family. And that includes the friends I’ve made online.  Some I’ve reconnected with years later, some are friends I see regularly, some are friends I met after getting to know them online (through other friends I really know – no strangers!!!) and some of them I’ve never met.

Are the people I only type to, who were concerned about me and sending me their love and support and good wishes any less real than the people I knew from long ago?  Aren’t they real people with beating hearts typing their real feelings?  I think so.  And that makes them real friends because real friends are the ones who care, who are there when you’re not very entertaining, when you need someone to listen. And I am so grateful to have so many caring people in my life.

The friends I see on a regular basis – what others would call the “real” friends have been angels in my life. Some of my closest friends have become family – the sisters I never had.  There are no words to express how wonderful my family is and has been.  My children, who are the light of my life, and my husband, the most unselfish, loving person I’ve ever met in my life – my heart and soul.  When you have people like these in your life, it’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when life gets rough.    And when you can find more caring friends through technology, how can it be bad?