I was talking to DHH the other day and mentioned to him that I really miss playing music.  He reminded me that I could play our piano or electric organ, or even one of the guitars anytime I want to.  But honestly, there’s no satisfaction in it for me if I can’t hear what I’m playing.  Playing music and listening to music I remember are two different things entirely for me. While I can duplicate music I know in my head (I’ve talked about this in earlier blogs), I can’t hear or keep up with the music I’m playing.

DHH also reminded me that I can feel my drums, and there is a certain satisfaction in that. Unfortunately my sweet pups hate the sound of my drums, so I rarely play them.  It’s really hard to watch your dogs run from the room screaming because you think you’re making music and they think you’re trying to shatter their ear drums, not to mention emotional well being.  (I wonder if they think it’s thunder, though neither of them are afraid of thunder storms.)

DHH was pondering the situation when I had a thought.  In a way, my knitting is my music and that’s probably one of the reasons I love to knit so much.  Here’s how I explained it to him:

Music is a process. Putting notes together creates a song.  We can  build on a single note at the beginning up to the most complex compositions.  There can be so many parts and all put together, a beautiful song emerges.   Knitting is also a process. For me, a stitch is a note.  We can build on a single stitch at the beginning up to the most complex fabric at the end.  When we put stitches together in a logical format, they become a complete, beautiful stand alone garment or other knitted item.  Both are works of art.

Though the results are different, the process is so similar.  Very simply put –  I follow a pattern, a musician follows sheet music.  Music has several notes put together to form special sounds.  Knitting has repeats – several stitches put together to form designs in the overall fabric.

While of course it’s not the same  – one is aural and the other visual, the similar processes are satisfying. I may not be able to make traditional music, but when I’m pleased with a finished item I’ve knitted, it really does sing to me.

It’s been a very busy few days, hearing-wise, but good days.  If you asked me a few days ago, I’d have said I want my old hearing aids back, that the new ones may be great, but they’re not great for me. Thank goodness my wonderful audiologist (WA) and Darling Handsome Hubby (DHH) wouldn’t give up and they wouldn’t let me give up either.  WA  called in a specialist from Phonak and together, they made many adjustments to the hearing aids.  (As an aside, which I so often do, it’s amazing how much computing power is in those things.  We’ve come a long way, technology!)

Anyway, they adjusted my new hearing aids and holy mackerel, what a difference. I’m pretty sure I’ll still need some more adjustments, but for the first time since I got them, I know I want to keep them.  Hello my new slippers.  We’re going to have a great time together.

On another note – no segue today – I said in my last blog I’d introduce our new puppy.  Hudson is almost 11 months old now and he joined our family at 9 weeks old. He and Brooklyn have become quite the team and he absolutely worships her.  I’ll include a couple of pictures of him (one with Brooklyn behind him.)

Even at this young age, Hudson has tuned into me and knows I can’t hear.  I don’t know how, but from the start, without any special training at all,  he started using his paws and nose to get my attention.  When we’re out walking, he’s on special alert, watching all directions and planting himself between anyone coming in my direction and me.  He’s become my shadow, my protector, and my little clown and he’s not even a year old yet.

He likes to study Brooklyn and watch what she does, choosing what he wants to copy and what he doesn’t.  Sometimes he looks at her like she’s from another planet, but most of the time he looks at her with such love and devotion, it melts our hearts.

At first Brooklyn treated him like a very welcome guest, but didn’t seem to realize he was staying.  As soon as she realized he’s part of our family, she became an incredibly wonderful big sister to him.  She’s teaching him and believe it or not, she’s learning from him too.  She’s such an amazing, wonderful girl, and there’s no question that she’s the family Princess.

There’s a special joy in watching them play together, knowing how happy they are and how much they love each other and us.  There’s not a day that we don’t laugh thanks to these two.  We feel so lucky and blessed to have them.

Though none of my dogs have been trained to be assistive dogs, they’ve all somehow learned it themselves.  We knew this was an extremely sensitive and intelligent breed, but we never stop being delighted by just how much.

New can be scary, but it’s up to us to make it work.  Once we get used to it, new is the new old and that can be ok.   And now, our new pup, Hudson.

Hello again!  I haven’t disappeared off the face of the earth, though it really has been a long time since I’ve posted.  I really meant to so many times, but somehow time just fizzled.  As we get older, we start to realize, acknowledge, and perhaps even accept some of our less than stellar  characteristics, and one of mine is letting time get away from me.  Maybe you’ve had this happen to you, too – you really mean to do something, but other things come up, other things take priority, something just causes you to say “ok, I’ll get back to this tomorrow,” but then tomorrow the same thing happens. That’s what the last several months have been like for me.  Of course adding a puppy to the family accounts for much of that, and now our beloved Brooklyn has a precious little  brother.  (More on Hudson with a picture in another post.)   He’s 10 months old and already showing tremendous empathy and understanding that I can’t hear, so I’m feeling very secure with my two furry guardians.  He’s also noticed my hearing aids – note to readers – if you wear hearing aids, be very careful to keep them away from dogs.  I’m told they love to chew them up!

Speaking of hearing aids (how’s that for a segue?) I’ve come to the end of the line with mine and it’s time to try something new.  Mine have been a lifeline to me for a long time now, and frankly, it’s very scary to give them up.  They may not do all the tricks and perform as much as new ones might, but they’re like comfortable old slippers.  We know each other, we’re comfortable with each other, and I’ve relied on them.

There’s not much anyone can do for my loss, but I’m never going to stop trying.  Without the hearing aids, I’m 100% deaf,  and even with them, have zero speech understanding.  Usually with my kind of loss, cochlear implants are the best option, but, for many reasons, they’re not an option for me. So I have to try to manage with what’s available and do the best I can.

About 30 years ago, the doctors and audiologists told us that I was very close to  the end of the line. That  I wouldn’t be able to wear hearing aids at all and I should prepare my family and house for the inevitable – my having to live in absolute silence.  Whether it’s my stubbornness or someone watching over me, I can’t say, but that still hasn’t happened.  Though I don’t hear any sound whatsoever without them, hearing aids still bring some sound into my ears.  My audiologist explained how those few sounds help me read lips and keep me connected to the ‘outside’ world, so even though I still can’t really hear, it helps my brain make sense of some things and it’s worth continuing.

So I’ve had the new hearing aids with the hot new technology for a few weeks now.  I can see how incredible they’d be for someone with more hearing than I have, and how they’d change people’s lives.  I get jealous sometimes and wish I could experience the full value of their amazing capabilities. But for me, it’s just continuing what I’ve been doing for so many years – I’m coping.  But it’s well worth it.  I’ve learned to thrive when I might have only survived.

People still ask me how I live with hearing loss. And I still ask them what choice do they think I have?  Should I curl up and die because I can’t hear?  Should I hide in my house and give up any semblance of life because I can’t hear?   Should I become a miserable person and complain all the time?   Not in my world.  I don’t ask for accolades for learning to live in a world that depends on sounds for everything from safety to communication to joy.  I’m not a hero and I’m not doing anything anyone else can’t do.  I’m just stubborn and refuse to have any less of a life because my ears don’t work.

I don’t often give advice or make assumptions, but for anyone out there with hearing loss, I implore you – don’t quit.  Don’t give up.  Use anything available to you to help you cope. If you have to sign, learn sign.  If you need people to repeat, ask them to repeat. If you need them to write it down, ask them to write it down.  Ask for help when you need it and don’t be shy about it.  We only come to the end of the line when we give up and refuse to keep going.